[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
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If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”