I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
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QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
this has to be peak English
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
A leaf blower, but for people.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT