I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
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I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Whisper out to librarians!
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!