I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
You Might Also Like
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”