@msdanifernandez: I can't. I'm busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
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@LaceyNycole: 2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby! Me: Yep, there's a baby in there! Will you love it? 2: I eat it. Well that escalated quickly.
@JustUnstableMe: It's like the people in this restroom don't even want my help unbuttoning their pants. STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
@better_off_dad: HR: Know why we called you down? Me: Hmm...a raise? HR: You know we monitor internet usage right? Me: I'd like to report a hacking!
@DustinAHarkins: One time I called my teacher "mom" and she looked so confused and said "I'm not your mom." It made the rest of homeschooling really awkward.