Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
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Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”