Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
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6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Anyone want a chair?
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Most fashion shows these days…
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
it’s finally my moment to shine
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.