Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
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Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes