@Rockenden: I can't love you. I'm still in love with a girl I saw in a toothpaste ad 15 yrs ago. She winced when she ate ice cream, I can't abandon her.
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@DamienFahey: "This is NPR." Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
@Danny_McH2O: She told me my analogies didn't make any sense. It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
@iSmashFizzle: Me: It's not illegal to be rude to cops. Them: Well, if you poke a bear, what do you expect? Me: That's why we don't make bears cops.
@decentbirthday: *dancing with the stars* *all of a sudden there's a fault in our stars* me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this! *star wars*