I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
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Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
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My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
How all things should be taught/explained.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try