drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
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Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets