I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
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I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
🤣😈🤣
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower