In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
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I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Me when my alarm goes off
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?