Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
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BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?