@AndyAsAdjective: I can't prove it, but from the sound of it, I'm pretty sure there's an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
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@NuryVittachi: WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
@ArfMeasures: [phone] WIFE: Where the hell are u? ME: Well...u know that shop where u saw that ring you love W: OMG YES M: I'm catching Pokemon near there