I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
the simulation is moving too fast
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.