I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
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American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.