@anjadrisch: I can't remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
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@MartaEffing: I shouldn't. Ambien: YES. You should. But I'm naked. A: EXACTLY. Ok, fine. *stands up* I HAVE A REASON THESE TWO SHOULD NOT BE WED!
@BooFricketyHoo: Dried up sea monkeys taste nothing like chicken. Related: Never ever put your kids seamonkey packets near your cup o'noodles packets. Ever.
@cryptomanran: A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday. Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
@Moronyc: I'm tired of writing "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone