*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
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I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.