I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
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Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card