@AskAuntieEm1: I can't seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don't need their assistance in the bathroom.
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@jwoodham: When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She'd just show up one day like "I work here now."
@sarcasm_inc: I vote we change the word "bar" after "salad" because no one is taking this shot of ranch off me and its starting to get awkward.
@mdob11: A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
@hell_homer: This is your brain: [hippo standing in a field] This is your brain on twitter: [100s of people surround the hippo patting it rhythmically]