I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
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No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*