I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
You Might Also Like
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Gemma Correll
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
what the hell pray for carter everyone
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.