I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
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Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.