It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
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NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.