Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
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Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.