I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
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One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
That’s no pocket rocket.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Storm Tropical Storm
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”