@abbymedlock: I can't stand this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, you're coming to my room.
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@Chumpstring: In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
@mrjohndarby: Parole officer: Come in and take a seat [me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
@lovejulieacafe: I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday. I replied asking them to call her because she can't read.
@Cherhole: There was a girl pushing an suv this morning while the guy steered. Feminists everywhere must be scissoring in victory.