It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
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Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry