I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
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Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.