I can’t stop laughing at this
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first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.