I can’t stop laughing at this
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*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.