I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
You Might Also Like
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I