I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
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Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.