Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
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I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
why am I working on Labor Day
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary