I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
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Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
How to make infinite energy.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
choose your fighter
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire