I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
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Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.