I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
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when the doctor brings med students into your exam
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea