@akatinamarie: I can't tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
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@Brianhopecomedy: 2 year old runs naked down the street. "Awwwwwwwwwwwwww." I run naked down the street. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
@krissywillbretz: Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of "no caller ID" try something like "free shoes"
@shadygrenade: "Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?" *throws pineapple against grocery store wall* "Ah nuts that was a good one."
@pinupteacher: My cab driver just described Seattle as "Not that horrible of a place." Get that guy a job on the tourism board.