I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
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Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.