I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
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Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I only eat vegetarians.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
(Jupiter –
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water