I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
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I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
This sounds bad:
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?