I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
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[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
I can’t deal with men any longer
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.