I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
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I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”