I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
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I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.