I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
You Might Also Like
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!