I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
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If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
who wore it better?
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.