I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
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medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Merica.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha