I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
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I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Effort made
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.