I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
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The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
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MAX
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet