I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
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“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?