I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
You Might Also Like
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.