Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
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I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children