I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
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professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
The 4 stages of a family vacation
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.