I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
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You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.